Company Budget Cut:

As a result of the reduction in money budgeted for Divisional purposes, we are going to cut down on the number of personnel. Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement,thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the endof the current year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as rape (retire aged personnel early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work at other jobs within the system. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a reveiw of there employment records before the retirement takes place. This phase of the opperation is called SCREW (SURVEY OF CAPABILITIES, RETIRED EARLY WORKERS).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may also apply for a trial service. This will be called the SHAFT (STUDY BY HIGHER AUTHORITYFOLLOWING TERMINATION). Progress policy dictates employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If employees fill above requirements, they will be entitled to get HERPES (HALF EARNINGS OF RETIRED PERSONS EMPLOYMENT SERVICE). HERPES is considered a bonus plan as the employee can no longer be SCREWED by the company.

Any employee who resists getting RAPED or SCREWED has no options but to submit to AIDS (ABSOLUTE IMPOSITION OF DIRECT SEPERATION) and can avoid getting the SHAFT alltogether. As a special bonus, employees who retire with AIDS will still be encouraged to collect HERPES.

It is now and always has been the policy of the company to ensure the younger employees are well trained, through our SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (SHIT). We have given our employees more SHIT than other companies in this area. If an employee feels he/she does not receive SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is specially trained to ensure that you get all the SHIT you can stand.

There has been such a rush for applications, please phone accounting first for an appointment to avoid lineups